• Drive the highway from New Bedford to Fall River.
• Finally get my car a full tune-up (and an inspection sticker!)
• Get my carpets cleaned.
• Paint my apartment.
• Get the pictures I’ve been meaning to get printed, printed and framed.
• Lose my tummy pouch.
• Go to a beach I’ve never been to before.
• Catch a fish bigger than 5 lbs.
• Go to the backside of the retail stores without having anxiety.
• Find a part-time job.
• Go on an amusement park ride.
• Drive over a bridge. (Don’t hold your breath for this one!)

Last night there was a festival in Freetown going on, and I had planned since seeing it earlier this weekend, to bring the kids to it yesterday. I made sure to keep mentioning it, and getting Kallie all excited about the “circus,” and of course, bribing her to behave by saying that we were going. Maybe silly of me, given that the last festival we went to, and every one before that, I’ve had severe anxiety troubles at. But I keep making efforts to do things with the kids, especially since I seem to be the only one doing so lately.

So last night, we leave my family’s house in Carver, stop at home in New Bedford to change into comfortable clothes, and head to Freetown. Now I don’t know what I was thinking: maybe that it wouldn’t be that busy because since I didn’t ever hear of this festival before, maybe it was a smaller one with not-so-many people attending, or maybe since we were going an hour before closing, it’d be less populated also. I knew my nerves would act up, especially given that I had stomach troubles earlier in the afternoon & those always give me panic attacks, so basically any impending doom feelings I brought on myself because I knew what was going to happen. But it’s the old saying “don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game” that comes into play. My therapist tells me consistently not to limit myself from doing things that I am scared of, even if I know I’ll end up having to leave, it is important that I still make myself try to tough it out. So in that regard, I will give myself credit, because I have been making myself attempt to go to the local festivals, and I have been making myself take the highway most times I go to my family’s house a few exits away instead of taking backroads as usual. But last night, upon getting to the festival, I felt instantly nerved up once we parked the car and all got out. I looked towards the rides and festivities, which weren’t that frightening to me, aside from the butterfly feeling I get from looking up at things that are high off of the ground — but then I saw the gate that was put up around the entire event — limiting every single person attending it to enter and exit at the same area. For anyone who doesn’t know much about my anxiety disorder particularly, it all kind of hinders around the idea of not being able to ‘get out’ of wherever I feel like I need to ‘get out’ of. So, seeing that the entire busy busy event was gated and blocked off, and the only part that was not was where people were flooding to get both in AND out of it, I really began feeling nervous. Normally in events like these, I’d survey the area for all possible exits, you know, ‘just in case.’  So I did that, and of course, being that there was only one, the negative train of thoughts started coming non-stop: “What if the kiddy rides are all the way towards the back, furthest away from the exit? What if I have a panic attack while they’re on the ride and I just get the urge to go running away and my kids get stranded?” I was worried that we would basically have to just get there, pay money to get in, then bail, waste money, and have crying babies all because of my stupid problem. I don’t want to have them grow up being afraid of things they don’t need to be afraid of, so I try so hard to just not act like I’m actually freaking out, but then that makes me ten times more shaky inside.

We got in, and after getting tickets, I just lingered by the entrance-way because I was afraid to go any further, into the sea of people. I walked a little ways in and then told Scotty to just go buy the tickets, and then I’d walk with him in the areas behind the carnival stands (where there were no people) so that we could get to the rides for the kids that way. He went, came back with the tickets, and we began walking but I felt overwhelmed and like I had four walls closing in on me within ten steps I took. I made up an excuse to go get a hoodie from the car, and ran to the exit and into the parking lot, and stood at my car a shaky, sobbing mess. The kids were with my boyfriend, walking around inside the festival, and I made an excuse to run back to my car for a hoodie just to get away. I felt like a bad mom. Now I know that I am not, of course, but in that moment, I felt like one, simply for possibly limiting my kids’ fun, just over my fear of a crowded place. I sat at my car, took some deep breaths, texted my aunt for a quick pep talk, and slowly made my way back, praying that Scott and the kids weren’t just sitting there, bored, though I feared they were — all because of me. Luckily he had actually managed to put both babies on a ride, and walked them back over to me when he saw where I was standing. He reassured me everything was okay - we got our pictures taken at one of the stands, and brought Kallie and Damyn to two more attractions, which I did okay with, and then we left.

So the night turned out good, but could have been so much better, had I not let fear get the best of me. I am proud that  I went at all, that I didn’t just assume I couldn’t do it and stay home. I made the effort, but I just wish I were stronger. I don’t want this to keep happening. I want to give my kids a less sheltered life than I forced myself to live.

Damyn and Kallie, my heart and soul, I promise I will keep trying. <3

I begged you not to go
I begged you not to hurt me
I never want to know
How you could just desert me
But yet I still ask why and I ask why every day
How you could just up & throw your entire life away
Walk right out the door
Right past your son and daughter
Turning to drugs to fix your problems just to create more
Is that what you want to say you taught her?
She’s young enough to forgive you
But I’m not sure that I am
You keep washing away our memories
Like names written in the sand
I grit my teeth when I sleep at night
I don’t remember how to dream
Because I can’t allow myself to feel alright
When everything’s shredding at the seams
One by one things come undone
Then two by two they fall
And yet I still wish you could be the one
To get me through it all.

I have not updated in a while. I have been busy, but I think it’s more so the fact that I just have not been able to put my thoughts into words. I’ve been all over the place mentally, and emotionally, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s ridiculous. I love my children so much. One great thing about children, especially in a situation such as mine, is that they force you to think about somebody other than yourself — therefore making a lot of your hard decisions easier. For if it wasn’t for having them, and needing to look out for their well-being, lord knows I’d probably be still subjecting myself to the same bullshit. I’ve been listening to other people talking about how you can’t blame anyone for your unhappiness but yourself, because your destiny is in your control & blah blah blah. It’s true, I know, at least to a great extent. However, if it were up to me, I’d be able to control this situation a lot better. But that would ultimately involve me trying to change somebody that does not want to change — though he says that he does — it’s apparent he isn’t ready to. And I know that in terms of addiction, change is something that has to be wanted, and for the right reasons, and I don’t to force someone to change only temporarily, just to have the same shit storm blow up in my face in months to come. Why am I even talking about him? Why am I even bothering myself with writing about someone who makes me miserable? I love him, yes. I do. I miss him, yes, I do. And why? Because of who I know that he is. But I’m not sure he’ll ever be ‘who he is’ again. He’s lost himself so far beneath his addiction and his lies that I don’t know if he can ever resurface himself, I think he’s literally forgotten how to be himself, and that to me is scary. How can that happen? I mean there have been moments I’ve felt I’ve lost myself, but not so badly that I couldn’t return. Then again I have never suffered with addiction — just the reprocussions of it. I wish that our family could work. I know that women make new families with new men that treat them good, that aren’t the father of their kids, and that are willing to take on the responsibility of fatherhood and being in a relationship with a woman who’s a mother. That’s all well and good, and I admire those families that work out that way, but as silly as it may seem to some people, I still want my family, as I feel it was meant to be. I want another baby some day. Not soon, but some day. Far down the road when I am financially stable and have a home of my own. I want to get married and I want to marry my best friend. My best friend is lost. And I don’t think he’ll ever come back.

red streaks, yessahh.

I love my imperfections:)

Court on Tuesday.

Currently things are going really well, aside from me being scared of making bad decisions every other day. But I think overall I’ve made some wise ones, and I just hope I can give my kids a good future, despite the current rocky road we’re traveling down right now. I just hope this rocky road leads to some place beautiful and free of worry and stress. I don’t ask things to be perfect, just fairly normal, and to not have a stress induced heart attack at least twice every week. I just want them smiling, and to stay smiling myself.

My fingers are crossed, and I hope in due time I can just breathe and relax.